Stigmata

Hi, and what are you doing?

I’m waiting for the rains to stop so that I can go home and sleep. I’m not feeling well.

What happened, sweetheart?

Oh nothing! I’m just aching all over. I guess it is the strain or work, the change in weather maybe. I need to sleep it off.

I miss you.

But I am here...still talking to you. What did you have that you are now missing?

It began with a verbal duel, an argument for the sake of it. Sparring, only to make up later. She was a strong woman, miles from home, miles from family. In the big bad corporate world, with a few people to call as friends, she knew they were with her in as much as their insecurities as their need for someone who was equally lost. She kept wandering, between groups, between jobs, picking up few people on the way, losing a few.

I wish u weren’t so far away…just one of those days, you know, when the distance does matter.

I wanted to say something to you, but I don’t know if you are up to it.

Go on, please. Say your mind. You know I want to hear every word you think of. Sometimes I wish I was inside your head. Inside you.

Sigh. I don't know where this is going, you and me. I didn’t expect you to call back...after that day. I was ready to accept it that way, the way it ended. I feel it is much wiser to walk away now than later.

He always ends his sentences with three dots. She begins hers with them. They discovered more things that were different. She knew hundreds of English song lyrics by heart. He was more into world music and the rhythm touched him more than the words. She had been a wanderer, studied in half a dozen schools. While, he had had a steady childhood. He told her how they fit those lines by Danielle Steele perfectly well. ‘From opposite ends of the world, they came, trundling their bags, their treasures….’

Right now the feelings are warm. Happy. And I think if we go on this way it’s going to get worse. I’d rather live through the rest of my life with a few good memories than drag it to a point where every thought of you hurts. I really felt like that Sunday, the evening before last. And I don’t think I’ll be able to take it again. It crushes my ego. even though ego is something I can manage...To be told that I am thought of as a dear friend, just a few hours after being told three precious words that mean a lot more.

Ok.

And I really don’t believe in the concept of friends forever...in the sense that I will always feel much more for you.

Seen the future, haven’t you?

She liked the way he spoke, stressing each word out right, as if an accent would be a sacrilege. He liked the way she went off to sleep listening to him ramble about the latest investment deal. She was a morning person, preferring the energy of the rising sun, while he preferred the calm of late nights. She would often wake up with a smile, thinking of the previous night’s conversation and give him a call. She knew he’d be sleeping, but couldn’t resist the temptation of hearing his groggy voice. She felt close to him. His gruff voice felt special, as if it was meant only for her ears. Don’t you have to get up, love?.

Right now our lives have very few things intertwined...like common friends or something, and there aren’t many memories of being together...I think it would be easier to go our separate ways, than later, if we have to.

Isn’t that a big ‘if’?

I’d rather cherish what we had...than fight with you over trivial issues, hurt you and get hurt...

So, this is it then, huh? It ends this way. Just the way it started, over the Internet. Within the confines of a window. I would have preferred being told this to my face. Do you have to hide behind the curtain of this voiceless, faceless interface?

Don’t you have anything to say?

You choose not to notice. I am saying something.

Yes, I know what you mean. I didn’t want it that way. I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn’t wait till that time.

I don’t think anything I say would make a difference; you’ve already made up your mind.

I haven’t. I am thinking aloud. I am not passing a statement that you have to accept. I am being honest in my words. It is the least I expect from you in return. I was hoping you would say something and convince me otherwise.

I don’t show weakness, not even to those I love. Go, if u must. That is all I have to say.

I’d be disappointed if this happens this way. I would have hoped you try and understand why I am doing what I am. Either agree with it, or fight it. You are doing neither.

And thats the way I am...my parting gift to you, to find solace in any way you want. My silence. It simply means that you can deal with it, the way you like best.

You can be harsh, can’t you?

Can I? Well not as much as you at any rate. And I am not being harsh, I am letting u do whatever you want to. How much easier it can get?

I was hoping you would try convincing me otherwise. I am not doing something I want.

You think you are being wise. I think you’re too afraid. You are pushing your insecurities onto the both of us. On this relationship. I won’t say much. But this is going to be your decision. Solely. To leave or to stay. As for me, I am not going anywhere.

And I don’t feel like staying here, like this, halfway between nowhere. I don’t feel peace. Every morning I wake up I think of you. I yearn for what isn’t mine. You ask for me, but you want only a part. I asked you to take the whole of me. As I am, what I am. Perhaps, it is the way I am. I’d rather not have anything that live with bits thrown at me. You think it is ego, I think it as expecting from life, cos everyone deserves it. I deserve living a full life. A full day. I don’t know how long can one go on living half a life.

Well, then I respect you choice. It is not easy, to take the harder path. I don’t hold anything against you for taking the easier choice.

No, I am not doing that. I take risks too, but when I have a goal of reaching somewhere. With you, I will always be behind. Your life, your social circle has no part for me. I will forever end up being only a refuge in times of turmoil. I don’t see anything else happening. We’ve already had the best there could be between us.

That, my love, you will never know.

I don’t have hope, that’s all.

It is a weird place, the future. But it’s sad, what you said about hope. I didn’t know you would give up so easily.

I don’t think I am giving up. I will have what I have with you. Like you did, with him. Or me, earlier, with her. We are part of each others life. Like you used to say, different parts of a jigsaw puzzle, pieces traded once a while, so as to make the picture a whole. No piece the same, opposites fitting each other, remember? And I see this as just preserving that something we had. It is too precious for me to scar that with bad memories which is what it is turning out to be.

Of course, the future is all bad. Seen it with your third eye, haven’t you? Anyway, I don’t want to argue. Like I said, leave, if you must.

I love you. And you will be that special part of me that will be mine. I won’t part with it, I won’t replace it, I will not share it. Now and then, I will think of us and be glad that I met you. Destiny can’t take that away.

I can’t beg and plead. And I am going to say this only once. I don’t know the future. I can’t promise you it will work out. Or that it won’t hurt. But right now, I can’t say goodbye, cos it’s killing me and I love you too much. So I am going to ask you to stay this once, even though I’ll respect whatever you do. And I will love you.

I love you too much and it’s hurting too much to stay.